Many hundreds of years ago, a swarthy Scottish crofter was walking across a desolate, midge-infested Highland moor with his friend, saw a sheep and thought “that would look great wrapped around my naked body”. Luckily their conversation was recorded by scribes of the day and I produce the transcript in full here.

Hamish: “What’s for dinner tonight?”

Dougal: “Oh the usual. Peat flavoured tea and dry oatmeal…again”

Hamish: “Same here. It’s so boring. I could murder a curry”.

Dougal suddenly stops, grabs Hamish and points into the distance.

Dougal: “Hang on. Look at that wee beauty over there”.

Hamish: “Which one?”

Dougal: “The white fluffy thing eating the grass. Looks like a cloud with legs and teeth”.

Hamish: “They all look the same to me”.

Dougal: “I bet she’d keep me warm at night”.

Hamish: “It is getting quite cold in the evenings. A nice fluffy blanket would be great with…”.

But Dougal isn’t listening.

Dougal: “You distract her by holding her face and singing to her. I’ll grab her from behind”.

Hamish holds the sheep’s head whilst Dougal struggles at the back. They wrestle with the sheep. This goes on for a few minutes.

Hamish: “Do you want the scissors or not?”

Dougal: “What for?”

Hamish: “To cut her fleece off”.

Dougal: “Oh aye…right…not quite what I had in mind…but OK…”.

After a few minutes of struggle…

Dougal: “Dear God, these wooden scissors are worse than useless. They don’t cut anything. I’d be better off using my teeth. Pass me the electric shears.”

Hamish: “I can’t.”

Dougal: “And why not?”

Hamish: “Because they haven’t been invented yet. Use the scythe”.

Dougal: “Use the scythe? Are you mental? I’m trying to shave her, not decapitate her”.

Later, Dougal and Hamish are at home in front of the fire. Dougal is wearing his new thick fleecy blanket around his shoulders but is looking miserable.

Hamish: “You look great…and warm”.

Dougal: “It’s covered in sheep poo”.

Hamish: “We can work on that”.

Dougal: “And we need something better than a scythe. That was a bloodbath”.

Hamish: “Another plate of delicious mutton stew Dougal?”

Dougal’s Wife (shouting from the kitchen): “Dougal! What on earth have you done with my new scythe? I just bought that last week…”

Hamish: “Ah! I’ll leave you to it explain it Dougal. Good night!”

And that is the true story of how woolly jumpers were discovered.

Honest!

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